thoughts and more thoughts

What you go through to get through

2009-11-02T11:53:00.002-05:00

Last night, I picked up Tracy Morgan's autobiography titled, "I Am The New Black" and read it from 11:00 PM till about 1:30 in its completion. It was a fun read, though a tad vulgar (and by tad, i mean Dirty South Hip-Hop vulgar). One of the things I took from it was what he had to go through to get through to where he is now as a person, performer and parent. His life was hard (dad died of AIDS, broken relationship with his mom, drug dealer, etc.) but in each trial and bad decision, he learned something about himself and used the experience to help him move forward or get through to his 'now'.
I thought for awhile this morning about things I've gone through as a kid, teen and adult. I thought about the people I worked with and what they may have gone through in their own lives...some grimy stuff, heartbreak, loss...I thought about the people I minister too and what they have gone through to get to where they are now, striving to be a healthy person led by His Spirit.
It's hard to judge people when we don't know their story, is it not? Yet we do it all the time. Kid with ADD is just loud and obnoxious, though we don't care to know about his home life. The girl who seems easy is just plain easy but we don't care to know about her lack of encouragement growing up. The dad who seems mean and inconsiderate is just that but we don't care to learn about the habits he simply picked up from his own dad. The one with bad finances is just that, though we don't care to learn about their lack of teaching.
Everyone has to go through mud before coming out clean and ready on the other side. No one is immune to it. We've all gone through life, haven't we? And hopefully, we can look back now and see what we've learned, accomplished and changed to make us better people and more available to help others. The mud keeps us humble, hoping and trusting that God will bring us out...and always on time, He does.
This week, let's all take time to learn one another's story...and learn about their journey from point A to point "wherever it takes them".

The typical 'It's been a while since I last blogged' blog

2009-10-22T14:55:00.003-04:00

As the titled expresses, it has been quite some time since I sat in front of a screen/keyboard and talked about new adventures and pitfalls that affect me on a daily basis...well at this point, a few months. So this entry is less about feelings and writing a review of my life up to this point. Obviously, I'll be omitting some things for privacy's sake and because I don't feel like typing too much.

May - I'm pretty sure I did something exciting.

June - Summer started...pretty normal stuff. Ellie started sleeping through the night...still does it, which is awesome for Becca and I.

July - Vacation at home with Becca and Ellie. Turned out to be lots of fun though we never got to the zoo...maybe next year, baby:) (and by baby, I mean Becca, who loves the zoo like candy). Keith Smith approaches me to talk about switching roles at work. Confirmed something in my heart from a while back so we accepted, knowing what we'd be gaining but also losing. Got Becca a keyboard!

August - Worship at LPC with my wife and our friends. Lots of fun. Mission trip to the DR - Great last high school ministry event with students that i see as family. BitterSweet to say the least. Started my new job at Agincourt...privileged to welcome our new Sr. High Pastor while takin on the responsibilities of Jr. High and our wicked awesome Post-High population.

September - Celebrated 4 years with the love of my life (I need to celebrate her more everyday!). Ellie turned 6 months and weighed in just above average (if you saw her when she was born, you'd get why that's huge for me). Now she's a short little chubby cute baby! Started reading books again (was way to lazy before). Built some cool stuff with our SM staff. Bought a PS3...Becca plays it a lot more than me:). Started the p90x...didn't continue.

October -I'm still in it but it's been a challenge. I have gained weight. I have a lot more work to do (sermons, admin, team development, growing, etc. I am learning that I am not as strong as I think I appear and that I still need more work, which I think is a good place to be...I still learning about what it means to be a husband and that it connects with how I am a father and friend. Cool thing though - Had Eliana on my own for a weekend and did a great job.

...that's about it blog world...hopefully by November, I'll be p90x'n it again!

Gang Leader for a Day

2009-04-20T14:37:00.002-04:00

This morning, I finished reading a book called 'Gang Leader for a Day', written by sociologist Sudhir Venkatesh. In the book, Sudhir spends close to 5 years studying gang culture in Chicago by living with and 'running' with an actual gang. His life is completely altered by what he sees in the projects of this city as he learns more and more about the power plays and hierarchy found in the apartment complexes.
On one particular section, the main antagonist, named JT, gives Sudhir the task of actually being the leader of his gang for one day. Many decisions end up going through him for basis of taxation of 'hoes', 'pimps' crackheads', 'shorties', 'squatters' and more. It was funny to read how he handled the pressure of being the boss and interesting to read about inner city life in its truest form instead of glorified on the TV screen.
Reading it got me thinking...what job would I want to do for a day? Here's my list:
President of a non-waring country
Owner of the Los Angeles Lakers
Investigative Reporter
Avon Salesman
Sleep tester
Dean of an Ivy League University
Lead Singer of a popular band that just fell off (to know what it's like to lose something huge)

What about you?

The next day

2009-04-15T12:52:00.002-04:00

Everyone loves routine. Even the people who say they are unpredictable and hate routine have the routine of changing their routine. It's a scientific fact. My routines have changes a lot in the past 3 weeks since Eliana was born. In the mornings before I go to work, I let her lie on my chest and fall asleep. Even if she is already asleep I do this, just so she can hang with me before I go into the office. It's a sweet scene. Mom is on one side, playing with Ellie's hair while I'm kissing Ellie's head. Somehow that routine works for me. The church sometimes keeps me for long hours so to have that moment before I leave home means a lot to me.
A routine that I'm going to try to start doing is going to the library to do work. I never liked the library. I love books and reading but I hated the library because rather than working, I'd look around at books, listen to old records, try to find a table with a plug for my laptop...and never get work done. But I think I'm gonna try it out and see if I can get some reading in and some studying for the future.
Another routine - going to the gym. Many people have commented on my weight loss as of late and it's starting to get to me. I can't keep weight on no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I try but I think I need to get healthy in the worst way. So bring on the weights and the tuna because I need that protein!

Awesome moment of last week - Going to Van Johnson's house. Van is one of the coolest guys I know. He's like Stephen Colbert to me, hilarious, insightful and worth emulating. Becca and I brought Eliana to his house so he and his family could meet her. It was a blast. We stayed there for so long, laughing at birthing stories and baby pictures, watching TV, eating pizza and changing diapers. It was a great way to end the Easter weekend! It's one of those thing you don't do all the time, for fear of it losing its...je ne sais pas, you know. You don't every now and again to remind yourself of the awesomeness of friendship, the uniqueness of family and the joy of fellowship...though if he invited me over right now to watch 24, i would already be there:)

Lost Item

2009-04-06T22:06:00.002-04:00

A few days ago, I realized that i misplaced my wedding ring. Now obviously the ring has major significance for me and my wife as it was and is a sign of our vows together (the circle that never ends represents our ongoing and on growing bond) so naturally it sucks when I go down to feel it and I feel nothing. I told her and she wasn't mad or upset at me but upset that I can't find it. Now I lose everything, mind you, so this was a matter of time (The fact that I've kept it so long is quite impressive actually) before it was missing. What I love about my wife is that with or without my ring, she knows that my vow is true and that I love her more than anything. I try to live those words out, those wedding vows with every breath I breathe and she reciprocates all the time. She doesn't need the symbol. Pretty cool, eh?

But it was expensive so I need to find it!

Soon!!!

1st Weekend

2009-03-29T23:18:00.004-04:00

We brought Eliana home on Thursday afternoon after 24 hours in the hospital. The ride home was fun, as my car lead a family caravan from the hospital to the church. Becca's mom and and brother (with his wife and two kids in tow) joined us at the house for pizza, laughs and stories as we got Ellie used to her new digs. It was fun to have Chris and Marianne over as they were so kind and helpful to Becca and I. That night, we got our first taste of parenthood as we made shifts throughout the night to deal with the crying, diapers and whatnot. I must admit that I broke down at one point as she cried, looking at Becca with a face that said, 'I don't know what I'm doing'. Becca asked me point blankly to be strong for her and so I did by getting some rest and then taking over the morning duties.

The coolest thing ever was falling asleep on my couch at 6 AM till 7:30 AM with my daughter on my chest. She slept as I slept. It was a cool bonding experience. Throughout the day, I did whatever I could to help Becca as she got used to feeding every 3 hours, walking on swollen feet and other post-pregnancy stuff. So i was on cleaning/laundry/everything else duties. Becca's mom was with us too, so when we needed a nap to get ourselves all together figured out and rested, she stepped up for us!

My folks came up Friday night and cooked up a storm for us. It was cool to have two grandmothers (Nan and Gran) and one grandfather (affectionately known as Pop Pop) here to see their granddaughter, get to know her and to see us in action as parents. Even cooler was showing them we know what we're doing...sort of.

It's Sunday night, 11:33 PM and the house is empty besides the 3 of us. The ladies are sleeping while I'm waiting for the baby's clothes to be done in the dryer. The baby monitor is beside me in case I need to rush up to the rescue. But right now, the sounds of both of them sleeping is good enough for me.

Thanks God for another reason to know you're real, you love me and you love us.

Eliana

2009-03-26T23:08:00.005-04:00

Wednesday March 25th at 12:36 AM , Becca's water broke.

This led us to 12 hours of intense labour, teamwork, tears and prayer. She was a trooper, Becca was. For 6 hours she went through pain i wouldn't wish on my enemies, only complaining at the end that it was too much for her. The baby was in a different position than we would have wanted, making it harder on her mom but mommy was tougher than nails.

The original doctor never really came to see us so that was hard on us, especially when the pain got too tough but Becca held on through the entire time. She was tougher than me (I had to leave the room to compose myself, admittedly) and tougher than most.

When she finally got her drugs, she made sure to sleep as much as she could to prepare for the pushing. By the time we awoke, we had a new doctor who was much nicer and who gave us great attention. When Becca had to push, she was great...the nurse cried out 'She has black hair...keep on pushing!!'

Wednesday March 25th at 12:36 PM, Eliana Dorothy Chase was born. She cried out once and then laughed as if to say 'hee hee...here I am, world and I'm naked!' She stared around with intense blue eyes at everything, hold on to my finger the whole time. It was and is something I will never forget. She is tiny but strong, loud and quiet, funny and serious, needy and independent...and she's mine.

And I wouldn't have her any other way.

Sundays

2009-03-22T09:27:00.002-04:00

Each Sunday is similar to the last.

I try to sleep in as long as I can before throwing on some clothes and jumping out the door (Though always making sure I look fresh). I speed down the 401, passing three Starbucks' on the way due to my lateness and make it just in time for our pastor's meeting.

Then I sit in my office, walk around, catch a worship tune or three, work on some upcoming stuff, chat with my uths and then go home.

Our main day is pretty basic for me...sad. I wake up excited but not EXCITED like this is going to be an awesome day. It's much more pessimistic or 'let's see how this plays out' in terms of attitude and I don't know why. Maybe as I've gotten older, I've simply become more jaded at life (which doesn't bode well for the person who is going to take care of me in the old folks home soon) which isn't a great attitude to have so hopefully that changes drastically over time. Hopefully, I'll wake up expecting a miracle, a life change or even a cup of coffee on my way to the office, i mean church...

Tooth Ache

2009-03-16T13:13:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up to a splitting headache. Never a good feeling. I went to the washroom to get ready and couldn't concentrate because of my pain. The pain was also in my jaw. It literally felt as if I was punched in the face. Now my wife isn't the sucker punch type (she'd rather punch me while I was looking) so I knew it wasn't from her. I remember while standing in front of the mirror that I had busted my tooth last week and now my body was hurting me to let me know this broken tooth had to go! Weird how the body communicates its needs. It's never done pleasantly.
I tried putting oral gel on my tooth but that didn't help at all. I took two Tylenol and felt better but tired. Drove in to work high and had to put ice on my face to comfort myself! The staff got me to call a dentist and now I'll probably have to get this tooth out to take the pain away.
I hate nagging things but I'm lazy. Last Monday when it broke, i should have called my...a dentist but i didn't. It would have been better but to pick up the phone would have 'taken forever'. God speaks to me about things I should change and I do the same thing all the time. I wait till 'crisis moment', then bring it to God as if I just heard about it, trying to pull a fast one on him:)
He's not dumb so that's frustrating.
I'm a lazy bum. I need to change that...tomorrow...after the dentist...
...maybe tomorrow...

Mass Communication

2009-03-08T11:30:00.000-04:00

Blogs.
Facebook.
MSN.
Twitter.
Txt message.

Remember ICQ?? With the funky sound effects?

Good times!

Ben

2009-03-03T08:21:00.004-05:00

Last night, Becca and I went out to celebrate the birthday of our good friend Rachel (So good a friend she is, she didn't get offended when we were the ONLY people who didn't get her a gift...we suck) when Ben, her husband and my friend reminded me of how long it's been since I last blogged. We had a good laugh about it and I promised to write something of insight and value when I got home.

I didn't.

But that's because I was calling my students so I couldn't get to the computer.

I went to bed drugged on Neo Citrin (spelling anyone?) thinking about why I don't blog as frequently as I should and I came up with a few reasons.

1) Sometimes life isn't as interesting as I'd hope so there's nothing to report.

2) Once you miss a day it's easy to miss the next one...kinda like spiritual disciplines (by no means, however am I comparing prayer to blogging...)

3) I forget

4) I spent too much time reading '25 Things' on Facebook

Those are just some of my reasons...but none good enough. I think I need an alarm to remind me:)

This weekend, I hosted our 4th youth retreat. I say 4th because it's the 4th one I've ever done. It was really impactful. It was bittersweet because it was the first time Becca and I weren't together for it. We both cried when I left home on the Friday. The kids were great though and seeing them experience God genuinely was a thrill. Memories are made on these types of things and I trust that it continues forward for us.

That's about it, blog world.

Thanks Ben for the reminder. Let's do some music recording soon!

Our Little Coffee Bean

2008-10-28T12:50:00.002-04:00

And our lives suddenly have so much more purpose...more destiny...more laugh...more tears...more excitement. Our beautiful awesome lil' Coffee Bean!

Currently

2008-10-27T12:43:00.002-04:00

Currently listening to: Dave Matthews Band's Dancing Nancies
Currently doing: work for APC and other stuff
Currently thinking: Keeping up with a blog sure is a lot of work but I think I can handle it...do people even READ this thing!
Currently feeling: Very awake for someone who only had 5 hours worth of quality sleep. Thank God for Starbucks and a good drive in. Also feeling good about starting the day with Jesus in his word...i really need to do that more often (sad online confession).
Currently waiting for: Becca (my wife) to pick me up for our appointment, the sky to fall, Jesus to return, John Legend's CD and time to do laundry.
Currently dreaming for: a plasma screen TV, finally knowing if it's a boy or girl, a new sense of purpose.
Currently worried about: my stupid car (please last through the winter), a few of my students...sentimental stuff.
Currently excited for: 2 PM, Friday Night Lights...what God has in store!

That's about it for now...I'll check back in later...this may be a two blog day!

Week 17 and a Day

2008-10-14T10:47:00.002-04:00

Today marks 17 weeks and one day since Rebecca and I found out that we were having a baby. It's quite exciting, i tell ya! We were with my family and they were picking out names and whatnot (some were good...others were well...), talking about what they were going to buy and how excited they all are. No one gets sad with that stuff I tell ya. It was cool seeing my dad all smiles as he thought about being a grandfather. That was really stellar! Dad about to be a grandad. Awesome.

This week, I'm trying to be more in sync with what God wants to do in my life and in the life of my group. It is so easy to fall into the traps of what I want and fall away from God's plans. I don't think i've gotten that far but i have been resting on my butt and leaving too many things to my own strength and I don't like that feeling. It's like a calm before a storm and I want to be holding on to Jesus when it falls, not my own talents and abilities, cause that'll fall off soon enough.

Each day is a gift...use it wisely...

The day that was...

2008-10-06T14:44:00.002-04:00

By the time you look at the day, it's over. Some days you think, "I've accomplished so much!" Others...not the same feeling. Today is fairly in between. I feel really tired though so maybe that's why. Getting ready for missions trips, events, budgets...oh man, it never ends! It's not stressful, just taxing on a guy, i guess.

But I DID make a sandwich. THAT is productive, if you ask me!

More to come...

Need more...

2008-09-29T21:47:00.003-04:00

Need more time
Need more time
Need more time
Need more time
Need more discipline
Need more discipline
Need more discipline.

School, work, marriage, God, life, breathing, eating, baby...

25th hour?
25th hour?
25th hour?

Gotta do better with what I've got to work with. Help me God to do so. To not let you down. To keep what's right, right in front of me.

His grace is sufficient
His grace is sufficient
His grace is sufficient for me...

Thanks again...
Thanks again...
Thanks again...

This week - Week 14

2008-09-22T15:26:00.002-04:00

Today champ is at week 14. This weekend, I bought my first dad book. I haven't got to look at it yet, but the cover looks awesome:) I plan to do get to it this week though, don't you worry! This is a great week. Each week means that our baby is awesomely growing in Becca's belly. It's another week to connect with God, family and friends. That's more than enough for me...until you remember that the fall TV calendar starts! New Heroes! New Office! New...those are the only shows I care about...but they are new! WOO HOO! So much fam time, Jesus, work, TV...

...maybe i'll start that book NEXT week...

Who we are

2008-09-16T15:34:00.002-04:00

The other night, my wife and I watched the movie, Philadelphia on TV. The movie is about a homosexual man who was fired because he contracted AIDS. His bosses made it seem like he was incompetent but in the end, they fired him due to their prejudices. The Denzel Washington character reminded me of me (and not because of his looks but more of his attitude).

Throughout the course of the movie, his character moved from hating the man, to then serving him as his lawyer and finally becoming his friend. He did not agree with his lifestyle but he did not let that prevent him from building relationship with him and learning from him as well. His notions went out the door as love flooded in.

I say that i was reminded of myself because often I walk in with preconceived notions of people due to my past and upbringing but as I get to know someone, i see their heart and then everything else becomes secondary. Salvation of the neighbor kind happen not through crusades but through relationships, when we are willing to have our thoughts leave and love come in.

Baby News

2008-09-12T17:02:00.000-04:00

We're gonna be parents!!!!

Life is gonna change and we can't wait! Stay tuned for more info from the THREE of us!

Chase

Two weeks away

2008-09-01T13:25:00.003-04:00

Anticipation is killing me!

We are two weeks away from our fall kickoff and I'm so excited. I keep on going through my mind all the things I need to have ready for that night that is driving me nuts! Pay your special guest. Have your prizes. Promote, promote, promote! All the small stuff. All the big stuff. Talk to the grade 9s. Mail out your calendars.

So much to do. I read this morning about how good leaders take on the role of a servant rather than trying to gain positioning. I don't want this year to be about me or MY accomplishments but rather about how the team I work with served our church's students, their friends and their parents and ultimately, the Lord through hard work, perseverance and character. I trust that he's in this whole thing. Often times, we can only go up to bad and swing away, hoping to make good contact on the ball and bring some people home. And if we're lucky, we might come home too.

Major Stuff

2008-08-26T19:58:00.002-04:00

Hey world!

So this week I moved my office for the second time this summer. Moving sucks...unless you're moving bigger and better.

Which is what I did!

When you're moving, you end up finding things you have no use for, things you need to throw out and things that are invaluable. I found all of those things during my trek from one end of the office to the next. Just like life, i guess. We are always in a state of flux, moving from one part to the next because of different circumstances and whatnot as as we are changing, we notice things.

Things we need to change or get rid of.

Qualities that sadden our witness.

Character traits that show the heart of Christ.

Hopefully, we're dealing with the first two and growing on the latter day by day (2 Cor 3:18).

I wanna be more like him...need to be. So as I change, I pray to become more like him.

Without having to change offices, though:)

2008-08-15T23:55:00.002-04:00

It's back y'all! The Chris Chase blog!

Stay tuned for for insane thoughts from the mind of Chase! Lots of stories, ideas, complaints...all that good stuff! Also be on the lookout for our podcasts which will be pretty decent, if you ask me!

Have a good one!

I am a murderer

2007-12-13T21:16:00.000-05:00

So on my way to my father-in-law's house, driving in the pitch dark, i hit a deer.

Seriously. I hit one.

It came up on our side and smacked us. Our right hand side is completely dented. My wife's side. She could have gotten seriously hurt or even killed. I couldn't even stop. I was so freaked out. I yelled, pouted and saw lots of deer fur all over my passenger side. I don't know how to feel. I mean, we're alive but we killed Bambi...Bambi. Wow...how does that even really happen?? I hate driving at night in the bush...it sucks. I need a plane or something or better headlights...I can afford the headlights.

God, thanks for keeping my wife and I safe. We are grateful. Truly grateful. And we'll pay even MORE attention to the roads we're on...

Wednesday Night

2007-12-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

The more focused I am on moving forward in my faith, the more I notice how much work needs to be done. My attitude sucks. I say really mean things...not swears but you'd think I was. Life with Christ is uncomfortable...yet, it's all I want...crazy, eh?

Last night, we had our annual Christmas Party. We as a staff rarely hang out together, but when we do, it's always a good time, filled with laughs, inside jokes and broken dreams due to a mean gift giving/taking game:) I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such a diverse staff. At times, it can be taxing but nights like that put it all into focus: We all need one another and truly want to 'hang out'. We just don't have that kind of time...

Help me Lord to work on my 'issues' and befriend those I work with. Thanks that ministry isn't competition but community. Thanks that I get to be a part of that community...that's awesome. Grant me your heart to never lose sight of that, irregardless of anything. Help me to fight for your community as we work to do what we hope is your will (I mean we know what you want, but sometimes we get your heart and our hearts mixed up). Time for bed...at 10:19 PM

Growing better, I suppose

2007-12-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

So I just finished reading three books in 2 weeks.

I'm a nerd.

I know.

But I'm glad I have. The books have really stretched my thinking and my growth spiritually-wise. For the past while, I've focused solely on being a better leader, administrator. I haven't worked hard on being a better shepherd, christian, husband and friend. When God pushes truth in front of you, you have a couple of options:

1) Ignore his voice or feel like you're talking to yourself

2) Sit around and do nothing. Acknowledge that you have things to work on and that's it

3) Begin to purge out what's holding you and keeping you far from 100%

Number 1 and 2 are basically the same thing...I've heard him but done nothing for a while...blaming others for my lack of growth while sitting on my skinny butt. But his voice has become deafening...he's when it happened.

Last week Saturday, during our work day, my students asked me if they could bring certain types of music to our youth retreat. After I kinda said no, a phone rang which played a popular radio song, describing sex and they all sang it, in a...um...dirty manner, I guess:) And they didn't care that I was there and I realized something:

I AM NOT THE PROPER EXAMPLE I SHOULD BE. I DO NOT LIVE IN A REALM OF HOLINESS THAT CHANGES PEOPLE. I'M WAY OFF AND I NEED TO GO DEEPER.

So, the purging of my Ipod began which has been hard...slowly my movies will follow suit...words...tv...

I'm reading and praying more, seeking him...preparing for a big fast...i mean HUGE! I'm excited. I feel like a little kid! I'm reading 1 Corinthians...loving it. I learned something about myself based on 1 Corinthians 3:2...what I have thought was big tings has only been baby milk...God is still wanting to prepare me for the solid food. he just wants to take the world out of me...so do it, Lord. It is going to hurt. It is going to suck. I'm going to have to work on so much but I need this.

Growing better, I suppose...

Be Prepared

2007-09-11T12:13:00.000-04:00

So on my day off, I watched the MTV awards (I love award shows!) and sat through 4 mins of the Britney Spears fiasco that was a performance. For a professional, she seemed under prepared, unfocussed and not all 'there'. I actually felt bad because there was huge pressure on her and she choked and 'fell flat'.

This morning as I was preparing for my day I was reminded of 1 Peter 3 where it says: 'But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.'

There's something about knowing what you're doing. Having a plan. Not falling flat on your face. Not pulling a Britney. We so need to be in God's word constantly, knowing Him intimately so that when we are asked a question about what we believe, we won't be stuttering but spittin' out paragraphs on the greatness of Christ, His sacrifice, His ascension and His soon return. You can't pass a test without studying. You can't beat an opponent without first sizing them up. You gotta be prepared and ready to go. When God speaks, we should hear and do, always prepared to move.

The guy, Chris Gardner, from the Pursuit of Happiness said on Oprah he was always ready to move. All of his stuff was always in plastic bags ready to move. He's a millionaire now in a big house, just him and his son...but he has a room FILLED with bag just in case he needs to be on the run again. He's prepared even though he'll never need to move again...

When God calls you, are you ready? Are you prepared? When sin calls your name, are you ready to run from it or will you pull a brit and collapse?
Think on that,
PC

Obsessions

2007-04-13T14:24:00.000-04:00

This morning, after dropping my wife off at work, I had a deep craving for a Starbucks Cinnamon Roll. It is truly an amazing snack...the perfect blend of icing, Cinnamon, pastry in a swivel shape. Simply divine.

The Starbucks on the way home normally carries them so I thought to pick one up, return home, snack on it while doing my taxes (yeah...we're really late...). I got there in record time only to find they were all sold out. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought highly of this pastry dish. I walked out completely devastated, my morning ruined because of needy people who didn't think about MY need. I sat in my car contemplating my next actions. I could go back in and buy a Lemon Poppy Seed loaf and suck it up. I could go home and have a bagel, saving my family 5 bucks. OR, i could drive to the next closest 'bucks and find the roll there.

I liked option 3.

I drove like a man on a mission. A man possessed by a desire deep in his heart. I had focus. I had a goal! I got to Warden and Steeles to find that again, greedy, needy people ruined my attempt at happiness and weight gain. Again I walked to my car defeated. Again I went through my 3 options and again, my obsession won me over and drove me 10 minutes away from my house to a third Starbucks. Gas is 105.01 and I wasted it over a Cinnamon roll that I couldn't find and didn't find. And if I had found it, I would have ate it and looked for another...it wouldn't have been enough.

Somehow our obsessions never fill us up. They drive us to TV screens, computers, gossiping people, relationships that aren't pleasing to God, lying, depression and sometimes...death. Yet we will search for them all day, trying to fill ourselves on the temporary things of life. I got home deflated but learned a valuable lesson...some things aren't worth losing your time. Most obsessions aren't...they only lead to destruction. Jesus knows this about us...our obsessive, curious nature and calls me to shake off what entangles me to walk towards the goal which he placed before me...somehow, i think I missed it today.

Darn Cinnamon roll...

The Jericho March Story

2007-04-08T14:57:00.000-04:00

So today is Easter Sunday.

I should be happy...in some sort of a good mood.

Instead I'm sulking at my PC over such a waste of 45 mins. On my first Easter Sunday, somehow I got roped into leading a Jericho March, similar to the one Joshua lead in the OT, except this was to be more...celebratory in nature. I sucked it up and did it. I didn't want to. As loud as I am at times, I don't like attention THAT much and I felt silly. Still, year 2 I did it again, more so because of the pressure of everyone around me. I felt so dumb and embarrassed but people liked that.

There is a thin line between what people enjoy because of you and how much you'll sell yourself out for the enjoyment of people. I felt that I was crossing that line all the time.

NEhow, this morning, i was really hoping to be off the hook, but I was reminded of the when (after service), the song (Because of You) and the area (around the church). I decided to step out and greet people first before the song and when I finally got back in, the song had started and the march had begun. So I thought, this is nice...it doesn't need me. I can watch. I was wrong. I was called a coward, rude. i was told that i let people down and that I was a traitor (a traitor to what, I dunno). Most people wouldn't know this but I'm a really sensitive guy, especially when placed in front of people and I embarrass easily, though I'm a star when it comes to covering that stuff up. So all those things made me upset...and I took it out on the wrong people. I felt like I was put in a position to defend myself and I did, probably offending a few and tainting my testimony while being a human...

...i feel bad but I hate being me sometimes.

Yes, I used the word hate.

On one hand, I have to be a showman, making people laugh. Then the comments come 'You're never quiet' or my fav 'Oh you LOVE the attention'. On the other hand, I like not being noticed or just being a part of the crowd but then I'm rude, not caring, a coward.

And I know that people are joking. Hell, I do it all the time.

Funny. When the shoe is on the other foot, it makes you pause and think differently.

There is NO line. I always want to make others happy but many times I feel that it is at the expense of myself. I have honestly seen myself grow quieter and quieter since joining APC...which is a good and a bad but when people don't really know you, it makes it harder to grow and mature. I guess this is a real definition of a family. No matter how my baby sister tries to 'grow up', I'll always see her as a baby. The family of God is so funny...I'm glad i'm a part of it, I guess I often struggle with finding my place...as many of us do often. We all want to be something that we're not, i guess.

I should have just marched.

Reading Books

2007-03-28T12:11:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make.

I am a book worm.

I've always loved to read.

I still do

I can't help it.

It's something I've enjoy since I was a kid. I would sit at home and read for hours. I don't look like a reader...i don't think i give off that...um...reader vibe, but I love doing it! I'm always traveling with 2-3 books at a time, learning what I can from some of the world's best writers. The last book i read is called 'SEX GOD', by Rob Bell. No, it is not a fictional tale of a sex god...that would be an awkward and life-altering read. This book describes the tie in between sex and God in a way I hadn't heard before. I was taken aback by the continual connection found in scripture that I've looked over in trying to prepare the best sermon possible on SEX...fat chance! It was a great read. Probably will read it again at some point. I'm also half way through a book called 'The Deity Formally Known as God'...not bad. Fast read with some good things in there but it hasn't really gripped me yet. I'll probably finish it soon just to add it to the number that I have so far in 07, which is 3...I'm so sad :(

I'm really into The Message too. The fresh look on God's word has been so good for my spiritual growth and enrichment. If you don't have a copy, you really should get one for yourself.

That's my head for now...a sad library...

The Long Week Over

2007-03-25T18:02:00.000-04:00

So this afternoon at 12:35, i felt a freedom unlike anything I had ever felt before. It felt like running out of school for a two month summer break or experiencing a nice day on the beach. I had in inhale it in...

breathe in... and out...and in and out...

I had just gone through one of the busiest weeks of my existence. Loads of church work, extra activities, you name it, I had to deal with it! I'm sure that many others could handle what I just ventured through without a care but we're all different and I'm a big baby =)

I spent a lot of this week immersed in the Word...it brings peace like nothing else in the world. God has a way of charming our fears and anxieties like no one else. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me during this week and focused on my tasks with renewed vigor and desire to make some kind of impact. Friday night went well. We didn't have a bunch of kids out but those who came I think enjoyed themselves and got something out of it...I never know for sure. Friday nights stretch me in the area of faithfulness. I have to BELIEVE that students take in the word and apply it to their lives. If not, I'd become a basket case =).

Saturday and Sunday had myself and the honorable Charles Yates take 15 minutes each to express the importance of going beyond our years and reaching out to each other. I think i did okay. We find our acceptance in Christ but there is still the part of you that says 'I don't know...maybe it could have been better.' But God's word was shared and that's all that counts. I'm doing in two years what some of my fellow young pastors are itching to do, be it lead worship, speak or be involved in the greater church. It's something I value deeply. I can only pray I remain faithful to His call and grow as he would want me.

This week is back to normal...focusing in on my family and my uth dem...

I like normal...maybe i needed to be shaken up a bit.

Ordination and the call

2007-03-22T09:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went in for my ordination interview. I got suited up, studied up and went in for what I thought would be horrendous ordeal about deep theological issues. Instead, it was a great time of affirmation and encouragement. Somehow, the men in the room knew me, knew about me and saw great things in me. I left feeling very encouraged, humbled and responsible for so much.

I constantly remind myself that in ministry, I don't live for myself. I live for those I serve and lead. My interview solidified that. The call of God is so important to recognize but even more important to live out daily. I pray I never forget about the call.

By the way, that's not me in the picture...it's a representation of the posture of the heart...

First time is the best time...I guess

2007-03-20T13:10:00.000-04:00

I'm on lunch right now in my office multi tasking. I'm typing out my first blog while listening to a sermon by Rob Bell, that guy from NOOMA. He's talking about going through difficulties from the eyes of Moses.

Some deep truths there...I'm trying to listen to stuff like this more often now, to stretch my thinking and faith. It's good for the soul...for it to be fed.

So I'm back to blogging. I haven't done this since I had a MY SPACE. But I have lots on my mind and need to get them out, i guess and there's nothing funner than spreading my thoughts and having others read them.

Question: Does blogging feed people's need for attention?