Obsessions

This morning, after dropping my wife off at work, I had a deep craving for a Starbucks Cinnamon Roll. It is truly an amazing snack...the perfect blend of icing, Cinnamon, pastry in a swivel shape. Simply divine.

The Starbucks on the way home normally carries them so I thought to pick one up, return home, snack on it while doing my taxes (yeah...we're really late...). I got there in record time only to find they were all sold out. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought highly of this pastry dish. I walked out completely devastated, my morning ruined because of needy people who didn't think about MY need. I sat in my car contemplating my next actions. I could go back in and buy a Lemon Poppy Seed loaf and suck it up. I could go home and have a bagel, saving my family 5 bucks. OR, i could drive to the next closest 'bucks and find the roll there.

I liked option 3.

I drove like a man on a mission. A man possessed by a desire deep in his heart. I had focus. I had a goal! I got to Warden and Steeles to find that again, greedy, needy people ruined my attempt at happiness and weight gain. Again I walked to my car defeated. Again I went through my 3 options and again, my obsession won me over and drove me 10 minutes away from my house to a third Starbucks. Gas is 105.01 and I wasted it over a Cinnamon roll that I couldn't find and didn't find. And if I had found it, I would have ate it and looked for another...it wouldn't have been enough.

Somehow our obsessions never fill us up. They drive us to TV screens, computers, gossiping people, relationships that aren't pleasing to God, lying, depression and sometimes...death. Yet we will search for them all day, trying to fill ourselves on the temporary things of life. I got home deflated but learned a valuable lesson...some things aren't worth losing your time. Most obsessions aren't...they only lead to destruction. Jesus knows this about us...our obsessive, curious nature and calls me to shake off what entangles me to walk towards the goal which he placed before me...somehow, i think I missed it today.

Darn Cinnamon roll...

The Jericho March Story

So today is Easter Sunday.

I should be happy...in some sort of a good mood.

Instead I'm sulking at my PC over such a waste of 45 mins. On my first Easter Sunday, somehow I got roped into leading a Jericho March, similar to the one Joshua lead in the OT, except this was to be more...celebratory in nature. I sucked it up and did it. I didn't want to. As loud as I am at times, I don't like attention THAT much and I felt silly. Still, year 2 I did it again, more so because of the pressure of everyone around me. I felt so dumb and embarrassed but people liked that.

There is a thin line between what people enjoy because of you and how much you'll sell yourself out for the enjoyment of people. I felt that I was crossing that line all the time.

NEhow, this morning, i was really hoping to be off the hook, but I was reminded of the when (after service), the song (Because of You) and the area (around the church). I decided to step out and greet people first before the song and when I finally got back in, the song had started and the march had begun. So I thought, this is nice...it doesn't need me. I can watch. I was wrong. I was called a coward, rude. i was told that i let people down and that I was a traitor (a traitor to what, I dunno). Most people wouldn't know this but I'm a really sensitive guy, especially when placed in front of people and I embarrass easily, though I'm a star when it comes to covering that stuff up. So all those things made me upset...and I took it out on the wrong people. I felt like I was put in a position to defend myself and I did, probably offending a few and tainting my testimony while being a human...

...i feel bad but I hate being me sometimes.

Yes, I used the word hate.

On one hand, I have to be a showman, making people laugh. Then the comments come 'You're never quiet' or my fav 'Oh you LOVE the attention'. On the other hand, I like not being noticed or just being a part of the crowd but then I'm rude, not caring, a coward.

And I know that people are joking. Hell, I do it all the time.

Funny. When the shoe is on the other foot, it makes you pause and think differently.

There is NO line. I always want to make others happy but many times I feel that it is at the expense of myself. I have honestly seen myself grow quieter and quieter since joining APC...which is a good and a bad but when people don't really know you, it makes it harder to grow and mature. I guess this is a real definition of a family. No matter how my baby sister tries to 'grow up', I'll always see her as a baby. The family of God is so funny...I'm glad i'm a part of it, I guess I often struggle with finding my place...as many of us do often. We all want to be something that we're not, i guess.


I should have just marched.