The Jericho March Story

So today is Easter Sunday.

I should be happy...in some sort of a good mood.

Instead I'm sulking at my PC over such a waste of 45 mins. On my first Easter Sunday, somehow I got roped into leading a Jericho March, similar to the one Joshua lead in the OT, except this was to be more...celebratory in nature. I sucked it up and did it. I didn't want to. As loud as I am at times, I don't like attention THAT much and I felt silly. Still, year 2 I did it again, more so because of the pressure of everyone around me. I felt so dumb and embarrassed but people liked that.

There is a thin line between what people enjoy because of you and how much you'll sell yourself out for the enjoyment of people. I felt that I was crossing that line all the time.

NEhow, this morning, i was really hoping to be off the hook, but I was reminded of the when (after service), the song (Because of You) and the area (around the church). I decided to step out and greet people first before the song and when I finally got back in, the song had started and the march had begun. So I thought, this is nice...it doesn't need me. I can watch. I was wrong. I was called a coward, rude. i was told that i let people down and that I was a traitor (a traitor to what, I dunno). Most people wouldn't know this but I'm a really sensitive guy, especially when placed in front of people and I embarrass easily, though I'm a star when it comes to covering that stuff up. So all those things made me upset...and I took it out on the wrong people. I felt like I was put in a position to defend myself and I did, probably offending a few and tainting my testimony while being a human...

...i feel bad but I hate being me sometimes.

Yes, I used the word hate.

On one hand, I have to be a showman, making people laugh. Then the comments come 'You're never quiet' or my fav 'Oh you LOVE the attention'. On the other hand, I like not being noticed or just being a part of the crowd but then I'm rude, not caring, a coward.

And I know that people are joking. Hell, I do it all the time.

Funny. When the shoe is on the other foot, it makes you pause and think differently.

There is NO line. I always want to make others happy but many times I feel that it is at the expense of myself. I have honestly seen myself grow quieter and quieter since joining APC...which is a good and a bad but when people don't really know you, it makes it harder to grow and mature. I guess this is a real definition of a family. No matter how my baby sister tries to 'grow up', I'll always see her as a baby. The family of God is so funny...I'm glad i'm a part of it, I guess I often struggle with finding my place...as many of us do often. We all want to be something that we're not, i guess.


I should have just marched.