I am a murderer

So on my way to my father-in-law's house, driving in the pitch dark, i hit a deer.

Seriously. I hit one.

It came up on our side and smacked us. Our right hand side is completely dented. My wife's side. She could have gotten seriously hurt or even killed. I couldn't even stop. I was so freaked out. I yelled, pouted and saw lots of deer fur all over my passenger side. I don't know how to feel. I mean, we're alive but we killed Bambi...Bambi. Wow...how does that even really happen?? I hate driving at night in the bush...it sucks. I need a plane or something or better headlights...I can afford the headlights.

God, thanks for keeping my wife and I safe. We are grateful. Truly grateful. And we'll pay even MORE attention to the roads we're on...

Wednesday Night

The more focused I am on moving forward in my faith, the more I notice how much work needs to be done. My attitude sucks. I say really mean things...not swears but you'd think I was. Life with Christ is uncomfortable...yet, it's all I want...crazy, eh?

Last night, we had our annual Christmas Party. We as a staff rarely hang out together, but when we do, it's always a good time, filled with laughs, inside jokes and broken dreams due to a mean gift giving/taking game:) I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such a diverse staff. At times, it can be taxing but nights like that put it all into focus: We all need one another and truly want to 'hang out'. We just don't have that kind of time...

Help me Lord to work on my 'issues' and befriend those I work with. Thanks that ministry isn't competition but community. Thanks that I get to be a part of that community...that's awesome. Grant me your heart to never lose sight of that, irregardless of anything. Help me to fight for your community as we work to do what we hope is your will (I mean we know what you want, but sometimes we get your heart and our hearts mixed up). Time for bed...at 10:19 PM

Growing better, I suppose

So I just finished reading three books in 2 weeks.

I'm a nerd.

I know.

But I'm glad I have. The books have really stretched my thinking and my growth spiritually-wise. For the past while, I've focused solely on being a better leader, administrator. I haven't worked hard on being a better shepherd, christian, husband and friend. When God pushes truth in front of you, you have a couple of options:

1) Ignore his voice or feel like you're talking to yourself

2) Sit around and do nothing. Acknowledge that you have things to work on and that's it

3) Begin to purge out what's holding you and keeping you far from 100%

Number 1 and 2 are basically the same thing...I've heard him but done nothing for a while...blaming others for my lack of growth while sitting on my skinny butt. But his voice has become deafening...he's when it happened.

Last week Saturday, during our work day, my students asked me if they could bring certain types of music to our youth retreat. After I kinda said no, a phone rang which played a popular radio song, describing sex and they all sang it, in a...um...dirty manner, I guess:) And they didn't care that I was there and I realized something:

I AM NOT THE PROPER EXAMPLE I SHOULD BE. I DO NOT LIVE IN A REALM OF HOLINESS THAT CHANGES PEOPLE. I'M WAY OFF AND I NEED TO GO DEEPER.

So, the purging of my Ipod began which has been hard...slowly my movies will follow suit...words...tv...

I'm reading and praying more, seeking him...preparing for a big fast...i mean HUGE! I'm excited. I feel like a little kid! I'm reading 1 Corinthians...loving it. I learned something about myself based on 1 Corinthians 3:2...what I have thought was big tings has only been baby milk...God is still wanting to prepare me for the solid food. he just wants to take the world out of me...so do it, Lord. It is going to hurt. It is going to suck. I'm going to have to work on so much but I need this.

Growing better, I suppose...

Be Prepared

So on my day off, I watched the MTV awards (I love award shows!) and sat through 4 mins of the Britney Spears fiasco that was a performance. For a professional, she seemed under prepared, unfocussed and not all 'there'. I actually felt bad because there was huge pressure on her and she choked and 'fell flat'.

This morning as I was preparing for my day I was reminded of 1 Peter 3 where it says: 'But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.'

There's something about knowing what you're doing. Having a plan. Not falling flat on your face. Not pulling a Britney. We so need to be in God's word constantly, knowing Him intimately so that when we are asked a question about what we believe, we won't be stuttering but spittin' out paragraphs on the greatness of Christ, His sacrifice, His ascension and His soon return. You can't pass a test without studying. You can't beat an opponent without first sizing them up. You gotta be prepared and ready to go. When God speaks, we should hear and do, always prepared to move.

The guy, Chris Gardner, from the Pursuit of Happiness said on Oprah he was always ready to move. All of his stuff was always in plastic bags ready to move. He's a millionaire now in a big house, just him and his son...but he has a room FILLED with bag just in case he needs to be on the run again. He's prepared even though he'll never need to move again...

When God calls you, are you ready? Are you prepared? When sin calls your name, are you ready to run from it or will you pull a brit and collapse?
Think on that,
PC

Obsessions

This morning, after dropping my wife off at work, I had a deep craving for a Starbucks Cinnamon Roll. It is truly an amazing snack...the perfect blend of icing, Cinnamon, pastry in a swivel shape. Simply divine.

The Starbucks on the way home normally carries them so I thought to pick one up, return home, snack on it while doing my taxes (yeah...we're really late...). I got there in record time only to find they were all sold out. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought highly of this pastry dish. I walked out completely devastated, my morning ruined because of needy people who didn't think about MY need. I sat in my car contemplating my next actions. I could go back in and buy a Lemon Poppy Seed loaf and suck it up. I could go home and have a bagel, saving my family 5 bucks. OR, i could drive to the next closest 'bucks and find the roll there.

I liked option 3.

I drove like a man on a mission. A man possessed by a desire deep in his heart. I had focus. I had a goal! I got to Warden and Steeles to find that again, greedy, needy people ruined my attempt at happiness and weight gain. Again I walked to my car defeated. Again I went through my 3 options and again, my obsession won me over and drove me 10 minutes away from my house to a third Starbucks. Gas is 105.01 and I wasted it over a Cinnamon roll that I couldn't find and didn't find. And if I had found it, I would have ate it and looked for another...it wouldn't have been enough.

Somehow our obsessions never fill us up. They drive us to TV screens, computers, gossiping people, relationships that aren't pleasing to God, lying, depression and sometimes...death. Yet we will search for them all day, trying to fill ourselves on the temporary things of life. I got home deflated but learned a valuable lesson...some things aren't worth losing your time. Most obsessions aren't...they only lead to destruction. Jesus knows this about us...our obsessive, curious nature and calls me to shake off what entangles me to walk towards the goal which he placed before me...somehow, i think I missed it today.

Darn Cinnamon roll...

The Jericho March Story

So today is Easter Sunday.

I should be happy...in some sort of a good mood.

Instead I'm sulking at my PC over such a waste of 45 mins. On my first Easter Sunday, somehow I got roped into leading a Jericho March, similar to the one Joshua lead in the OT, except this was to be more...celebratory in nature. I sucked it up and did it. I didn't want to. As loud as I am at times, I don't like attention THAT much and I felt silly. Still, year 2 I did it again, more so because of the pressure of everyone around me. I felt so dumb and embarrassed but people liked that.

There is a thin line between what people enjoy because of you and how much you'll sell yourself out for the enjoyment of people. I felt that I was crossing that line all the time.

NEhow, this morning, i was really hoping to be off the hook, but I was reminded of the when (after service), the song (Because of You) and the area (around the church). I decided to step out and greet people first before the song and when I finally got back in, the song had started and the march had begun. So I thought, this is nice...it doesn't need me. I can watch. I was wrong. I was called a coward, rude. i was told that i let people down and that I was a traitor (a traitor to what, I dunno). Most people wouldn't know this but I'm a really sensitive guy, especially when placed in front of people and I embarrass easily, though I'm a star when it comes to covering that stuff up. So all those things made me upset...and I took it out on the wrong people. I felt like I was put in a position to defend myself and I did, probably offending a few and tainting my testimony while being a human...

...i feel bad but I hate being me sometimes.

Yes, I used the word hate.

On one hand, I have to be a showman, making people laugh. Then the comments come 'You're never quiet' or my fav 'Oh you LOVE the attention'. On the other hand, I like not being noticed or just being a part of the crowd but then I'm rude, not caring, a coward.

And I know that people are joking. Hell, I do it all the time.

Funny. When the shoe is on the other foot, it makes you pause and think differently.

There is NO line. I always want to make others happy but many times I feel that it is at the expense of myself. I have honestly seen myself grow quieter and quieter since joining APC...which is a good and a bad but when people don't really know you, it makes it harder to grow and mature. I guess this is a real definition of a family. No matter how my baby sister tries to 'grow up', I'll always see her as a baby. The family of God is so funny...I'm glad i'm a part of it, I guess I often struggle with finding my place...as many of us do often. We all want to be something that we're not, i guess.


I should have just marched.

Reading Books

I have a confession to make.

I am a book worm.

I've always loved to read.

I still do


I can't help it.

It's something I've enjoy since I was a kid. I would sit at home and read for hours. I don't look like a reader...i don't think i give off that...um...reader vibe, but I love doing it! I'm always traveling with 2-3 books at a time, learning what I can from some of the world's best writers. The last book i read is called 'SEX GOD', by Rob Bell. No, it is not a fictional tale of a sex god...that would be an awkward and life-altering read. This book describes the tie in between sex and God in a way I hadn't heard before. I was taken aback by the continual connection found in scripture that I've looked over in trying to prepare the best sermon possible on SEX...fat chance! It was a great read. Probably will read it again at some point. I'm also half way through a book called 'The Deity Formally Known as God'...not bad. Fast read with some good things in there but it hasn't really gripped me yet. I'll probably finish it soon just to add it to the number that I have so far in 07, which is 3...I'm so sad :(

I'm really into The Message too. The fresh look on God's word has been so good for my spiritual growth and enrichment. If you don't have a copy, you really should get one for yourself.

That's my head for now...a sad library...

The Long Week Over

So this afternoon at 12:35, i felt a freedom unlike anything I had ever felt before. It felt like running out of school for a two month summer break or experiencing a nice day on the beach. I had in inhale it in...

breathe in... and out...and in and out...

I had just gone through one of the busiest weeks of my existence. Loads of church work, extra activities, you name it, I had to deal with it! I'm sure that many others could handle what I just ventured through without a care but we're all different and I'm a big baby =)

I spent a lot of this week immersed in the Word...it brings peace like nothing else in the world. God has a way of charming our fears and anxieties like no one else. I learned a lot about myself and the world around me during this week and focused on my tasks with renewed vigor and desire to make some kind of impact. Friday night went well. We didn't have a bunch of kids out but those who came I think enjoyed themselves and got something out of it...I never know for sure. Friday nights stretch me in the area of faithfulness. I have to BELIEVE that students take in the word and apply it to their lives. If not, I'd become a basket case =).

Saturday and Sunday had myself and the honorable Charles Yates take 15 minutes each to express the importance of going beyond our years and reaching out to each other. I think i did okay. We find our acceptance in Christ but there is still the part of you that says 'I don't know...maybe it could have been better.' But God's word was shared and that's all that counts. I'm doing in two years what some of my fellow young pastors are itching to do, be it lead worship, speak or be involved in the greater church. It's something I value deeply. I can only pray I remain faithful to His call and grow as he would want me.

This week is back to normal...focusing in on my family and my uth dem...

I like normal...maybe i needed to be shaken up a bit.

Ordination and the call

Yesterday I went in for my ordination interview. I got suited up, studied up and went in for what I thought would be horrendous ordeal about deep theological issues. Instead, it was a great time of affirmation and encouragement. Somehow, the men in the room knew me, knew about me and saw great things in me. I left feeling very encouraged, humbled and responsible for so much.

I constantly remind myself that in ministry, I don't live for myself. I live for those I serve and lead. My interview solidified that. The call of God is so important to recognize but even more important to live out daily. I pray I never forget about the call.

By the way, that's not me in the picture...it's a representation of the posture of the heart...

First time is the best time...I guess

I'm on lunch right now in my office multi tasking. I'm typing out my first blog while listening to a sermon by Rob Bell, that guy from NOOMA. He's talking about going through difficulties from the eyes of Moses.

Some deep truths there...I'm trying to listen to stuff like this more often now, to stretch my thinking and faith. It's good for the soul...for it to be fed.

So I'm back to blogging. I haven't done this since I had a MY SPACE. But I have lots on my mind and need to get them out, i guess and there's nothing funner than spreading my thoughts and having others read them.

Question: Does blogging feed people's need for attention?